One year old

(amazing photos taken by Kelly)

One year ago today I went to the hospital to deliver my fourth child. You can read about that here.

I would like to say that with a fourth child I have finally become a little wiser. I tried to live every moment of this last year with this little baby to the fullest. Enjoying each stage- knowing that time races by with these little ones and that soon enough sleep would come. I tried to imprint each experience into my heart- literally drinking up each moment into my soul.

The last few weeks as I have pondered my baby turning one I have felt so many emotions. One second I am loving his little personality exploding through each new thing he learns and masters. I smile and squeeze him. I talk with him. I watch him.

Then the next second my throat tightens up, my eyes brim with tears and I feel like I can't breathe- he is growing so fast right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel an overwhelming load of responsibility and fear. Fear that I am not a good mother, that I am not doing enough, teaching enough, being a good enough example (and on and on and on).

Then ...... I tell myself to breathe. To enjoy the moment and I quickly remember that each age and stage are wonderful. Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes and finding the place in my heart where I have stored the precious memories of my babies. I feel peace, I feel little chubby cheeks on my face, I see first smiles in my mind, I hear first giggles in my ears and once again my soul is whole.

I never knew being a parent would be so hard. Watching these perfect little beings grow and gain their own ideas and thoughts. Trying to protect them and teach them. Wanting more for them then I ever had. Wanting them to some how know, I mean really KNOW how fantastic they are. Sometimes it is more than I can bare. But- this is a great learning and stretching experience for me. One I wouldn't trade for the world!

Cannon- you have blessed me beyond words. You are the sweetest baby ever! You have an energy that explodes from your little soul and drenches those around you. You make me smile when nothing else can. I love you forever! You are ONE year old today. It has been an awesome year getting to know you.